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24 March 2007 @ 11:36 am
FMA fic: 'Phone Calls' (Roy x Ed, PG-13, Slight-AU)  

Title: Phone Calls
Author: pandarot
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Roy x Ed
Word Count: 1427
Spoilers: None that I could think of, nope.
Warnings: OOC-ness, crack and, uhm, humor? ^^;;
Summary: Edward Elric finally realizes what is like to be Colonel Mustang's lover.
Notes: A (very late) birthday gift for strawberrykaoru. I hope you'll like it. ^_^;;

"He had that nameless charm, with a strong magnetism, which can only be called "It"." - Elinor Glyn

Phone Calls

The day Colonel Mustang asked Edward if he could stay in his house with his younger brother was probably the happiest day of his already doomed life. At least for now. After all, being Roy’s lover for a year now didn’t really mean Edward knew everything about Roy and his private life. They only saw each other whenever Edward had a report to give; only went out with each other when there’s a celebration in the military ground, and only talked to each other on the phone if it’s related to a mission. Everything about them was business, and it’s certainly never been easy at all.

And to say that Roy offered this…how could Edward refuse? Roy was giving him a chance to know him better by staying in his house and see what it was like to have Roy Mustang fully as his lover.


One fucking month. It’s a great wonder how Edward kept his sanity despite of everything.

“It’s just a cover, Edward,” Roy would always say in that very convincing voice. “You just have to deal with it for a while until everything is fine.”

Edward started to wonder if it was right to believe in those words in the first place.

The phone rang. Edward froze and realized that it was already 8 o’clock - the time where everything became hell for him. He gave the phone a pleading look, wishing that it was only paranoia that made him think it was ringing, but it rang again, and he couldn’t help but to sigh, reach the phone, and say, “This is Roy Mustang’s residence. What can I do for you?”

There was a short fit of giggle on the other line, and then: “Oh, I know that! So...Who are you?”

Edward closed his eyes. “I’m Colonel Mustang’s...housekeeper.”

“Housekeeper? I didn’t know Roy hired a housekeeper before!” The woman on the other line giggled once more. “Maybe he wants to keep his house clean when we get there to...hehe, do that.”

The fuck? Edward thought, torn between rage and humiliation. Do what?

“Anyway, is he...there?”

“No, he’s at work,” Edward said, rubbing his cheek. “You can call him there if you want.”

“Oh.” There was a slight disappointment in the woman’s voice, and Edward made a triumphant grin. Of course, everyone knew that the military didn’t entertain such calls at all, so chances of them talking to Roy was zero, which suited Edward just fine. “Can I just leave him a message?”

Edward’s face fell. No, not this again. “Uh...right. Sure.”

“Tell him it’s Maya, and I’ll wait for him at the same restaurant we ate last two years ago. That’s all!”

Edward sighed as he hanged up the phone. Every week gave him another set of Roy’s women to deal with. He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised by this anymore, knowing that before he even came to the older man’s life, Roy had dated a lot of women in the past. Not to mention this man wasn’t just blessed with good looks but also great wits that all those women were all nuts to bear his child.

Edward must be really lucky to have Roy’s attention all for him (it took him a while to admit that himself), and the fact that Edward finally knew a lot of things that were past Roy’s ordinary façade made himself special among those women. Like the fact that the Colonel didn’t really know how to cook, didn’t really know how to wash his clothes and do the household chores. That he was actually a bibliophile, was a big music aficionado, and was really good when it came to sex...Edward knew all those things by heart.

...And he learned to accept them. Accepted that he had to wake up at the crack of dawn just to wake Roy up and cook breakfast for him, lest they’d both starve to death. Accepted that he had to wash Roy’s clothes along with his every time because Roy always ran out of clothes to wear. Accepted that he had to wait for Roy to come home at midnight to finally have some intimate time with him, only to find out that the older man was too tired to crack an eye open, and Edward had to ignore his sexual frustration by sleeping instead, which never helped him at all.

Yes, Edward tried to be a very considerate lover. But having to deal with Roy’s women everyday on the phone? That’s an entirely different story.

Alphonse wasn’t helping, either. He always made an excuse to stay in Roy’s library reading God-knows-what books and left his poor older brother to deal with the answering of phone alone. Al must have noticed the distress it caused to Edward that he didn’t want to experience the same dilemma, too.

Funny how Alphonse could put himself before his brother in times of danger, but immediately ducked at harmless problems. Oh, the irony of it all!

The phone rang again and instinctively, Edward reached for the phone. “Yes, this is Roy Mustang’s residence. What can I do for you?”

“Well, this is Sarah, and you are...?”

“I’m Colonel Mustang’s housekeeper.”

“Uh...right. Housekeeper. I’m just wondering if he’s there.”

Edward sighed again. “No, he’s not. He’s...on a business trip, actually.”

“Is that so? Well, can you please tell him that I miss him already and if he could visit me when he arrived? Bye!”

The phone rang again.

“Roy Mustang’s residence. What can I do for you?”

“I’m Erica and I’m that waitress in the Zephyr Café. How about you? What’s your name?”

“I’m just a housekeeper. I don’t need a name.”

“All right, then. Is he there?”

“No, he’s not here. He’s in East City right now.”

“I see. Well, in that case, tell him that tomorrow is my birthday and I’d treat him in the café.”

And the phone rang again.

“Roy Mustang’s residence.”

“This is Anna, and I’m that person he met in East City. You?”


“Oh, nice. So your name is ‘Housekeeper’?”

Was this person mocking him? Edward wanted to scream. “Think whatever you want.”

“Sure thing. Anyway, where is my Roy?”

Edward clenched his fist. “He’s...He’s not here. He’s in Central City right now.”

“Is it long?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, just tell him that I want him to treat me in an expensive dinner tomorrow because I want to. Is that clear?”

“Yeah. Very clear.”


And it rang again.


“Who are you?”


“Since when did Colonel Mustang hire a housekeeper?”

“Since last month.”



“Fifty? Don’t you think your voice is too young for a fifty-years-old?”

“Well, I...you see...”

“Never mind that. Height?”

Edward gritted his teeth. “Wait, aren’t you looking for Colonel Mustang?”

“Of course! I was just curious of the people surrounding this great man.” There was a small pause. “By the way, I’m Lilan, and I’m a journalist. I was assigned to interview him, so I’m just wondering if he’s there?”

“Sorry, but he’s not here. He’s busy making a report on the current investigation he’s working on right now.”

“Well, that’s too bad. Care to replace his position as an interviewee?”

“Uh...no, I’d rather not.”


And another ring.

“This is Roy Mustang’s residence AND I am his housekeeper. I don’t need a name, so call me whatever you want. Now, what do you need?”

“W-Well, I’m in a hurry, actually. Is Roy there? Tell him this is Karen.”

“No, he’s not here. He’s...” Running out of ideas to say, Edward took the paper Roy gave him that morning with his own list of invented excuses. “...planting strawberry seeds in strawberry farm? What the fuck is this?”

“I-Is he? Can you please tell him immediately that Daddy wants him dead and I’m hiding in Central hotel right now? I really don’t know what to do!” The woman whimpered in despair, and then: “I’M BEARING HIS CHILD, AND I WANT US TO ELOPE NOW! THANKS!”


Suppressing his rage for a minute, Edward took a deep breath, raised the phone to his ear, and dialed the number he knew so well.

“Colonel Mustang speaking.”

“Colonel, we need to talk.”

“Ed-...Fullmetal? But you know I can’t—”


- - - - - - - - -

“Here’s the latest report you need to sign today.”

“Ah, yes. Thank you.”

Hawkeye paused as she noticed the first time the bruises on the Colonel's face and couldn’t help but frown. “Excuse me, sir, but what happened to your face?”

“Oh, nothing, really. Haha...” The Colonel scratched the back of his neck nervously and quickly averted his eyes away from the Lieutenant. “By the way, Lieutenant, is there a way for me to change my number at home?”

Hawkeye took a moment to consider this idea. “I don’t see why not.”

“In that case, please do so.” The Colonel wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to the Lieutenant. “The sooner, the better. And please make it sure that only a few people know that number this time.”

Hawkeye looked at the paper then to the Colonel suspiciously. “Is there something wrong?”

Mustang squirmed in his seat and feigned a laugh. “Well, it seems that my housekeeper didn’t really...appreciate receiving calls from my admirers at all.”

"Beware the fury of a patient man." -John Dryden

I wrote this fic way back in March 2006, and it's originally written in Tagalog. So I apologize for the strange wording in some places because I couldn't come up with the English equivalent of some words. ^^;; And, uh, the OOC-ness/total random-ness? I'm really, really sorry about that. *dodges tomatoes*

Let it be known that I suck at writing crack/humor. But I still hope you'll like it, strawberrykaoru. See? I even put the word 'strawberry' in there! XD;;

Current Mood: uncomfortableuncomfortable
Current Music: My Girl - Sam Milby
Annasuncherub on March 24th, 2007 07:51 pm (UTC)
I think I mentioned everything I want to say about this fic except for one thing.

Ellipsis abuse! XD

『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [DNAngel] Daisuke Niwa - Tearspandarot on March 24th, 2007 07:54 pm (UTC)
I know, but I can't help it. ;_; It's a disease, I tell you!

I'm kinda scared to post this because...you know. ^^;;

Susie: Seduced since 1911sapphyre_kikyo on March 24th, 2007 09:18 pm (UTC)
Hehe, although there were some problems, it was a cute idea. Very humerous.
『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [DNAngel] Daisuke Niwa - Sweatdropspandarot on March 24th, 2007 10:21 pm (UTC)
Haha, thanks. ^^;;
Luna: dancing Lartemisgoddess on March 24th, 2007 09:28 pm (UTC)
...I LOVE it. This was SO DAMN FUNNY! Great job!!
『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [DNAngel] Daisuke Niwa - Blushpandarot on March 24th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)
Thanks. ^^;; And here I thought I completely fail at humor.
suifox on March 25th, 2007 12:40 am (UTC)
Beware the fury of a patient man. Especially if his name is Edward Elric(he can be patient when he wants to be).
^_^ Fantastic.
『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [DNAngel] Daisuke Niwa - Happy Smilepandarot on March 25th, 2007 12:58 am (UTC)
*laughs* Yeah, you're right. XD

Thanks! ^^
Aerisaeri_s on March 25th, 2007 01:30 am (UTC)
Ehehehe... So funny...XDDDDD *blink*
*hysterical laughter ensues*
『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [DNAngel] Daisuke Niwa - Sweatdropspandarot on March 25th, 2007 02:19 am (UTC)
Thanks! ^^
Chloe-girl: Angelgrass_angel on March 25th, 2007 10:26 am (UTC)
Hehe.. Fu~n. I love the nosy interviewer. And the list of excuses.

And I didn't notice any grammatical mistakes except for... an 'entirely'. It's in the line where Ed's talking about being a very considerate lover.
This was originally written in Tagalog? Cool. (Even though I don't speak/read it, I do understand sometimes it's hard to get the words right.)
『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [ZONE] Smilepandarot on March 25th, 2007 10:43 pm (UTC)
Haha, thanks! I'm glad you liked those parts. :D

Really? I think there's a lot of fragments in there that sound awkward, but that's just me. ^^;; And oh, thank you for pointing that out! *is ashamed to make such mistake*

Yes, because most of the time, writing in Tagalog first helps to ease my writer's block. XD I guess it helps to write something using the language you're most comfortable with first, although it doesn't work with me every time, haha. But yes, translating is a problem. XD;;
Chloe-girl: Angelgrass_angel on March 26th, 2007 11:47 am (UTC)
Well, I'm not a great person to ask about awkwardness, especially concerning to/from Tagalog, as I'm used to my mother's way of communicating. O_o if that makes sense. Anyway, her grammar and syntax is out the door sometimes because she's thinking in Tagalog and I can usually get some meaning out of it. Usually.

Take it as a good thing that there was nothing that made me go 'huh?'.
『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [DNAngel] Daisuke Niwa - Happy Smilepandarot on March 27th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
Your mom is a Filipina? I take it that you're a (half) Filipina? =D

I know. I think I do better in English in writing because I speak very awkwardly (and I mean in any languages). ^^;; I guess being able to stay in America for several months helped me improve my, uhm, retarded speaking skills. Somehow. XD;;
Chloe-girl: Angelgrass_angel on March 27th, 2007 06:35 am (UTC)
Yup, half Filipina. Can't speak a word of it outside kalamansi though.

『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [KH] Sora - Winkspandarot on March 28th, 2007 04:20 am (UTC)
*laughs* That's okay! I've met some half Filipinos in my school who do not speak Tagalog at all, but somehow know all the foul words in that language. XD
Chloe-girlgrass_angel on March 28th, 2007 07:01 am (UTC)
I have no interest in swear words. But my mum sometimes uses derogatory Spanish words so eh....
But at least I (kind of) know how to make brazo de mercedes!
truly_wishedtruly_wished on March 25th, 2007 02:56 pm (UTC)
It was cute and quite funny.
『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [DNAngel] Daisuke Niwa - Sweatdropspandarot on March 25th, 2007 10:37 pm (UTC)
Haha, thanks. ^^;;
Jenny the dragonimpdragonimp on March 26th, 2007 01:06 am (UTC)
Cute! Poor Ed. Heh, maybe Roy should tie up a few loose ends there...
『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [DNAngel] Daisuke Niwa - Happy Smilepandarot on March 26th, 2007 01:14 am (UTC)
*laughs* Thanks! Indeed, Roy needs to solve his problems with his "women". XD
dragonfemmedragonfemme on March 27th, 2007 05:56 pm (UTC)
LOL. Despite the few grammar errors, this was funny! Poor Edward, having to deal with all the calls. I loved the premise of this story. I wish we could have heard what *more* excuses he started to make up and the dilemmas Roy had to go through to explain them. Loved the "picking strawberries" excuse! LOL! Great story! ♥
『 Kornet, the Popcorn 』: [DNAngel] Daisuke Niwa - Sweatdropspandarot on March 28th, 2007 04:24 am (UTC)
*laughs* Thank you! I figured there's a lot of mistakes in there. f^_^;; But I'm happy to hear that you liked the idea - I kind of borrowed the idea to a commercial I've seen before. XD;; My humor sucks, haha.

「かおる」★ [ k a o r u ]strawberrykaoru on April 8th, 2007 03:08 am (UTC)
Gosh, I'm extremely late for my late birthday gift. O__O;;



Okay, first off, stop saying you suck at writing crack/humour, because this totally made me laugh despite a crappy week at school. ^______^ I'm serious on that.

Now on to the fic itself, ahem. XD

Poor Ed...the housekeeper. XD;; I think I'd react like him too, if that many people called on the same day, on the same subject, to "pick his bone". XDD Ooooh man, I noticed Ed's responses got shorter and shorter. *snorts*
Roy totally deserves the bruise at the end though, even though I'm his fan. :D Serves him right for, um, acquainting so many ladies, haha.
And Al...oh Al, you're so smart. XD; That's all I have to say. xD

The last excuse was the funniest and the most out-of-character. That alone deserves a funny-medal! <3 *imagines Roy planting* ... *snorts again*

Ditto on what suncherub said: Ellipsis abuse! But on the good side!

There were so many f-words! T__T;; ED, CLEAN YOUR MOUTH!

I loved it. ♥ I really, really did. *tackleglomps* Thank you so much for writing this for me, and an attempt on crack/humour!! Have more faith in your humour, it's very cute and contagious. =) See, unlike me, I like writing angst waaaaaaay too much to be very funny. ^^;

♥ ♥ ♥